Saying No, With Love
Most of the conversations around boundaries these days focus on protecting ourselves from narcissists, gas-lighters, or toxic relationships that need to end, but how do we set boundaries with those we love?
It's a romantic myth that good relationships don't require setting boundaries. In fact, healthy relationships depend on setting and respecting boundaries. Boundaries are an essential part of any relationship. They help to establish a framework of agreements that foster mutual respect, safety, and trust.
When we don't set clear boundaries or communicate our desires and expectations, our partner may not know how to meet our needs, or may not even be aware that they aren’t currently meeting our needs.
Without boundaries, relationships can become imbalanced, leaving one partner feeling overwhelmed or resentful, and the other, confused and misunderstood.
Setting boundaries doesn’t mean that we don't love or trust our partner, it means that we value ourselves and our relationship enough to ensure that both partners’ are heard, respected and cared for.
This mean that partners communicate their needs and expectations clearly. They’re willing to listen and compromise when necessary.
How do we say no, with love?
Without love and compassion, boundary setting can feel like a rejection or criticism. Communicating love when setting boundaries helps to reinforce the positive aspects of the relationship and to build trust and intimacy.
When we demonstrate that we care about our partner's feelings and wellbeing, we create a safe and supportive environment where both partners can feel confident to ask for what they want.
The next time you need to set a boundary with your partner, keep these things in mind.
· Don’t bark out your boundary when you’re in a triggered state. Wait until you’re calm and set aside a time to sit down and talk about your needs and what agreements would support those needs.
· Say it with love. Help your partner feel loved and appreciated as you set your boundary. Help them feel that your boundary is not a form of punishment or payback, but is rather a healthy conversation about maintaining autonomy, trust, and connection.
· Be clear in your communication so your partner understands your needs and knows how to meet them. Your partner is not a mind-reader. Don’t assume that your partner knows your needs or why they’re important to you.
Think about what you want out of that conversation beforehand, and work together for the two of you to feel both heard and understood.
· Remember that relationships aren’t rigid. Nothing is written in stone. As things evolve new agreements can always be suggested in the future. Acknowledge that agreements are honored so trust can be built, and be willing to change, when change makes sense.
Every new agreement(s) requires a new conversation. Period.
Here are just a few boundaries that couples may agree to that support common needs partners can have in a relationship. You will discover your own boundaries as a couple. Start with talking about your needs, consider agreements that support those needs, and establish what boundaries to set in place that feel doable.
"We agree to take responsibility for our own feelings and not blame each other for our emotional states."
"We will not use name-calling, yelling, or emotional withdrawal as tools during conflict."
"If one of us is triggered, we agree to take a break and return to the conversation within 24 hours."
"We respect each other's need for alone time, even if it's not about us personally."
"We agree to ask before sharing each other’s private stories with friends or family."
"We agree not to make major decisions when we’re in a reactive emotional state."
"We agree to communicate complaints as requests instead of criticisms."
(e.g., “Can we spend more time together this week?” instead of “You never make time for me.”)"We commit to regular check-ins (weekly or monthly) to talk about how we’re doing emotionally, sexually, and logistically."
"We don’t read each other’s texts or emails without permission."
"We agree to let the other person finish speaking before responding."
Lastly, listen to your gut.
Those who had their boundaries crossed as children, usually grow up having trouble recognizing their personal boundaries as adults. When a core boundary is being crossed, your body is the first place you’ll feel it. If your gut is clenched, if your throat is tense, if you feel frozen, your breath becomes shallow, or your heart is racing, these are all ways your body is asking you to pay attention. Listen to it, and act accordingly.
Reach out for help if you want to learn more about setting boundaries with love for yourself, and love for others.
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so true!