Kink: A Relational Landscape for Curious Couples

Sexual Style #6 of 6 from Your Erotic Menu

Every year BDSM, Kink and Fetish sexuality inch their way into the mainstream to take their rightful place in the beautiful tapestry of sexual expressions human beings are inextricably drawn to.

I view sexuality as a multi-dimensional experience that can incorporate many sexual styles and expressions, even at times within one erotic encounter.

To use a musical metaphor, you may be a concert cellist, but no matter how great you are at playing the cello, you sense that playing only one instrument limits your musical expression.

By choosing to explore other instruments as well, you discover your ability to play music that is more multi-dimensional and far richer as a result.

By coming out of our collective cultural closet and growing beyond our judgments of what’s considered ‘normal’, we’re making room in our human orchestra for new dimensions of sound we can all dance to.

I was already familiar with the world of kink when I started relationship and intiamcy coaching with couples. What became apparent to me right from the start was the ways in which the world of kink had the potential to benefit the couples I was coaching, not just sexually, but relationally in their overall dynamic.

A couple’s feelings about kink depends on many factors; exposure and knowledge, history of experiences (direct or indirect), inherent inclinations towards kinky feelings (that often start at a young age), and general curiosity.

We’re all kinky on some level. Some have just explored more than others in sexual, sensual experiences that society might consider ‘alternative’ to the ‘norm’. The ‘norm’ being a constantly shifting definition dependent on time, place, and culture.

There are lots of books and articles about kink and its a vast assortment of tastes and desires, but it’s more rare to read about kink from a therapeutic perspective for couples and how it can be explored as a way to enhance novelty, and in turn heighten, deepen and sometimes enhance the experience of connection in a relationship. Kink teaches us about:

Letting go of judgments

Being a beginner again

Communication

Negotiation

Consent

Agreements

Trust

Sexual polarity

Differentiation/respect

Ritual

Archetypes

Toys and accessories

Taking charge

Releasing control

Body shame/celebration/awareness

Fear/exploring your edge

Shadow work

Playfulness

Positively Kinky

Exploring Kink to Strengthen Connection and Intimacy in Relationships

Wikipedia defines Kink as ‘unconventional’ sexual practices. We have all practiced, fantasized or secretly desired what may be considered ‘unconventional’ sexual practices. It’s the beautiful nature of our erotic minds to engage with desires or fantasies that create arousal in our bodies.

You don’t need to be excited by pain, bondage or humiliation to be kinky. You might prefer, foot worship or a gentle sensual spanking or the smell of leather while blindfolded. Kink teaches you how to use your erotic mind to discover what turns you on.

Kink is physical, it’s psychological, its deep, it’s fun, it’s intense, it’s playful. It’s whatever you decide you want it to be. Most often it’s about experiencing the complexity of relationship and the consensual exchange of erotic power.

Couples who become sexual explorers together acknowledge and honor each other’s ongoing sexual evolution. They begin see their partners with fresh eyes and renewed appreciation.

From a couple’s perspective the power exchange of Kink can deepen connection, heighten pleasure and in its most therapeutic purpose, heal our pain.

For instance, patterns and challenges within a relationship can be explored through role-play. Partners can agree to switch their dynamic to feel a different perspective. If one partner is always leading, they can feel what it’s like to follow. Likewise the partner who usually follows may find that leading introduces a welcome change to their usual erotic persona.

Sometimes feelings that need expression can be processed through somatic (physical) experiencing rather than words. Explorations in Kink can open many doors that otherwise remain closed.

Power exchange teaches us to lead with grace, and follow with trust. Kink opens us to deeper intimacy with our partner, and most importantly it enables us to see each other with fresh eyes, creating the passion, the sexual polarity, and the erotic connection we long for.

Here are just 4 of the many ways kink teaches us about relationships and being a better lover to our partners:

1. Communication

The yes’s and no’s of consent conversations

One of the Kink communities highly praised attributes is communication. Any good kink educator will begin by teaching you how to skillfully ‘negotiate a scene.’ Simply put, it means communicating with your partner about desires, expectations and limits.

Sitting down together and taking the time to negotiate a scene lets a couple relax, knowing their desires are expressed, and they can begin their encounter on the same page with clear agreements.

How much better would all of our sexual relationships be if we learned and practiced the communication skills it takes to negotiate a scene?

You have to talk about sex if you want better sex. And the more you do it, the more natural and fun it becomes.

Making plans, sharing fantasies, forming agreements, expressing desires, showing appreciation, asking for what we want. All of these things require words to be spoken out loud. The kink community puts a premium on the skills of communication and consent.

2. Novelty

It’s an inside job.

According to many studies about sexual connection, novelty is one of the key factors in heightening our sexual experience. It’s the desire for novelty that will lead people into affairs and casual sex outside of a relationship.

An illicit affair may be the most common approach to finding novelty, but the consequences are far reaching and emotionally damaging for all involved. Causing pain for ourselves and others is never the way to go. But seeking novelty within an open-minded loving relationship and learning to talk about our desires can open doors to parts of ourselves and our partners that will make us better lovers and better humans.

If novelty is something you crave, you don’t need to find a new partner to be with someone new.

Kink offers us the experience of novelty within our relationship by opening doorways into different aspects of our erotic selves.

Partners give each other permission to step out of their day-to-day personas and explore the less expressed sides of themselves that may rarely be expressed in their day-to-day dynamic.

A dominant partner may find pleasure in letting go of control. A more submissive partner may discover their personal power by taking charge. We all share collective archetypal personas that can add variety and dimension to an erotic encounter. Which of those archetypes we identify with varies depending on our sexual history, our fantasy life, and our upbringing.

Finding erotic novelty in a relationship starts with exploring what already lives inside of our erotic minds and private inclinations.

3. Education

Take each other back to school.

After learning to communicate your sexual thoughts and desires you may find interest in trying new things. This is where you start your journey as sexual explorers.

Wherever you have internet access, kink education is available. Take your time to find education that appeals to your particular tastes. Seek out mentors and coaches who can guide you in your explorations and help you discover your own tapestry of erotic expressions.

You may find you share the same erotic tastes with your partner or you may not. That’s ok. The more you learn about Kink, the more skill you’ll gain in working with differences between you.

It’s a journey, and like the beginning of any journey, if you’re open to new adventures you will learn about yourself and each other along the way. Accept your partner’s desires with an open mind. Judgment and shame can bring an abrupt end to honest sharing.

Make the commitment to embrace and support each other’s erotic growth. It’s the most valuable gift we can give our partner, and it comes from a secure and generous heart.

Before you learn about Japanese rope ties or what style of flogger to spend your money on, learn how to be safe and ethical in your interactions with others. Learn how to set and honor clear boundaries, how to stay mindful and present, how to respect your partner’s needs, and stay empathetic to their feelings and experiences.

Stay clear of mainstream porn when learning about Kink. It’s made to entertain, not educate. Stick with legitimate Kink education that teaches the foundations of how to be a better lover by first learning how to be a better human.

4. Play, like nobody’s watching

(unless you’re into that kind of thing ;-)

The best way to maintain our commitment in relationship is to have fun together. “Play” is a word commonly used in the Kink community to describe engaging with another person. If you’re getting together with your partner for some Kinky ‘play’ you might refer to it as a ‘play date’.

Most of us rarely use the word play when it comes to adult activities other than sports or music. The word ‘play’ serves to remind us of the childlike enjoyment we can bring to our erotic lives.

Find ways to be playful with each other. Think of making a play date with your partner. Plan your next sexual encounter from a playful perspective that you think might appeal to them. Remember, play and laughter are two of life’s great aphrodisiacs.

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There are many ways to engage in the world of kink, whether you explore online, keep it in the privacy of your bedroom, or you venture out to local events to meet others just like you.

Become explorers together and take yourselves back to school. Enjoy seeing your partner with fresh eyes, and learn to listen to their desires with great interest.

Talk about sex regularly with curiosity and an open heart, and bring a beginner’s mind to your erotic lives.

If you are interested in working with a coach to explore your desires in your relationship, I’m happy to be your coach and guide.

Below is an extensive list of Kinky activities to add to your erotic menu (35 to be exact). Each one deserves an article of its own!