I Love You Just the Way You Are

Make Words of Appreciation Your Super Power

Words Matter

If you're familiar with Gary Chapman's book, The Five Love Languages, you'll remember that one of the love languages is Words of Appreciation.

I think I can safely say that every couple I coach, have forgotten the power of positive words in their relationship. We're all painfully aware of how words can tear our partner down, but today I want to focus on using words to build our partner up.

A distraught man this week shared his primary complaint about his partner, which was rarely hearing her express gratitude and appreciation toward him. This wasn't a minor complaint, it was in his mind a lot. It was the primary reason he was considering asking for a divorce. He felt defeated, unappreciated and taken for granted.

Once he was able to identify his Words of Appreciation as his primary need in a relationship, his partner started to bring more awareness to her words, and the impact simple appreciation had on him and their life together on a daily basis. She started to train herself to notice the little things, and then speak them out loud in the moment. It changed everything for them.

Our brains are wired to look for danger in the world around us. The hyper-vigilance that keeps us scanning for what's wrong emphasizes the negative over than the positive.

This evolutionary development may have contributed to our survival as a species, but in our relationships our negative bias wreaks havoc. Knowing this, couples can use their words to counter this bias with simple statements like, "Thank you for your help, I appreciate you in my life, you look great today, or in the words of Billy Joel, “I love you just the way you are”.

The Power of Specificity

While general appreciation matters, specific gratitude creates deeper connection. Instead of "Thanks for helping around the house," try "Thank you for cleaning the kitchen after dinner - seeing you take care of our home makes me feel so supported." The difference is profound. Specific appreciation shows you're truly seeing your partner's efforts, not just checking a gratitude box.

When we name exactly what we noticed and how it affected us, we're essentially saying, "I see you. Your actions matter. You matter." This level of detail transforms a simple thank you into an experience of being truly witnessed.

Timing Changes Everything

There's magic in real-time appreciation. Catching your partner in the moment - "I love watching you with the kids right now" or "The way you handled that phone call just now was so graceful" - creates an immediate connection that stored-up gratitude simply cannot match.

In-the-moment appreciation also prevents the common relationship trap where we notice something positive, think "I should mention that later," and then forget entirely. By the time we remember, the moment has passed and the impact is diminished.

Breaking Through Resistance

Many people struggle with giving appreciation because they believe their partner "should know" how they feel, or that expressing gratitude for basic responsibilities seems unnecessary. "Why should I thank him for taking out the trash? It's his job too."

This thinking misses the point entirely. Appreciation isn't about praising someone for meeting minimum expectations, it's about recognizing the person behind the action. When your partner takes out the trash, they're choosing to contribute to your shared life. When they listen to your work frustrations, they're choosing to be present with you. These choices, made daily, are what create the fabric of a loving partnership.

The resistant partner often fears that too much appreciation will lower standards or create complacency. Research shows the opposite: people who feel appreciated actually contribute more, not less.

Let's face it, we're drawn to those who bolster our self-worth and help us feel good about ourselves and our efforts. If you're not the one your partner turns to for that positive reinforcement, it's time to look at your daily ratio of complaints vs appreciation.

Research scientist, John Gottman suggests that couples maintain a ratio of 5 positive statements to counter the impact of 1 negative complaint. Following this simple recipe can shift the emotional landscape of your relationship.

The Neurological Ripple Effect

The beauty of words of appreciation and gratitude is that they not only feed the heart of the receiver, they simultaneously nourish the one speaking those words as well.

By speaking positive emotions out loud, we strengthen and affirm those feelings within us. Our words bring extra attention to those positive feelings, and anchor that memory in our brain. But there's more happening here than we might realize.

When we actively look for things to appreciate in our partner, we literally rewire our brains. Neuroscience shows us that what we focus on grows stronger in our neural pathways. The more we practice noticing what's right about our partner, the more our brain becomes skilled at finding positive qualities. We begin to see appreciation opportunities everywhere.

This creates a beautiful cycle: appreciation leads to noticing more good things, which leads to more appreciation, which strengthens the relationship, which creates more positive experiences to appreciate. It's the opposite of the criticism spiral that destroys so many partnerships.

We also strengthen our relationship with daily deposits of positivity into our mutual emotional bank account.

Think of your relationship as having an emotional bank account. Every positive interaction makes a deposit, a compliment, a thank you, a moment of tenderness. Every criticism, complaint, or harsh word makes a withdrawal. When your account balance is high, you can weather inevitable conflicts and stressful periods. When it's low, small problems feel like major threats.

Most couples in distress have been making withdrawals faster than deposits, without realizing it, often for years. The simple act of daily appreciation can shift this balance.

As Mark Twain once said, "I can live for two months on a good compliment."

Making It Practical

Here are specific ways to integrate appreciation into your daily life:

Morning Connection: Before getting out of bed, share one thing you're grateful for about your partner or your life together.

Transition Moments: When your partner comes home, greet them with something specific you appreciated about them that day, even if you weren't together.

Evening Reflection: Replace complaints about the day with acknowledgments. Instead of "Traffic was horrible," try "I'm grateful we get to unwind together now."

Text Appreciation: Send a mid-day text noting something specific you value about your partner. "Thinking about how patient you were with my mom yesterday - thank you for loving my family."

Big changes start with small gestures, but small gestures practiced consistently create profound transformation.

Things that Inspire

I can't over emphasis the importance of strengthening your feeling of gratitude, and sharing that emotion with those you love.

Here is an example of gratitude cards to help you connect to all the things in life worth being grateful for.

Keep these cards by your bedside. Before you go to sleep each night, pull out three cards and share your answers with your partner. My couples who have managed to establish this simple practice all talk about what a difference it makes in their life together.

The commitment to appreciation isn't just about improving your relationship - it's about becoming the kind of person who sees beauty in ordinary moments and speaks that beauty into existence. Your words have the power to transform not just your partner's day, but the entire emotional climate of your home and life.

Start tonight. Your relationship is waiting.

Want some inspiration?

Here’s a tribute to Billy Joel, reminding us that words matter.