Chapter 4. Filling Your Partner’s Love Tank…When They’re Running on “Empty”

A Thought Experiment for Valentine's Day. Chapter 4 of The Turned-On Couple

One of my male clients was frustrated that although he felt he’d turned a corner in his relationship, his new-found loving gestures to his partner weren’t reciprocated — at least not as much as he’d hoped. I suggested he think of his partner as having a love tank and a pain tank with each holding their relationship’s positive and negative experiences.

A love tank might hold experiences like laughing together, sharing a loving embrace, words of praise, approval and appreciation, passionate erotic connections, tender heart-centered lovemaking, thoughtful gifts, expressing desire, a relaxing massage, focused time together, and so on.

A pain tank is where negative experiences are stored, like last night’s argument, a snide off-hand remark, a forgotten promise, a day of the silent treatment, a disconnected sexual experience, a loud accusing voice, a betrayal (old or new), feelings of neglect, etc.

I told him that his partner’s hesitancy may be because their love tank was running on empty and, given the recent period of emotional struggles between them, their partner’s pain tank was probably quite full. If it’s easier to access a full tank of pain than to dip into the love tank of happy memories, patience and understanding might be in short supply. If we feel resentment and resistance more than open heartedness, our love tank likely needs filling (with small consistent gestures) until it’s full again. As our love tank gets filled our hearts open (metaphorically and viscerally). Bonding hormones like serotonin and dopamine flood our brains with good feelings. When our love tanks are filled, we have the capacity to extend ourselves and meet our partner’s needs. We’re moved to give back in return. We feel gratitude, appreciation, and generosity. We feel safe and taken care of by our partner. We feel filled up, as in “My cup runneth over.”

Keep that image in mind whenever you spend time with your partner. Ask yourself at the end of each day, “Did I add to my partner’s love tank or their pain tank today?” (You’ll know the answer by how they’re currently behaving towards you.) How patient and generous are they these days? Are they extending themselves toward you, or armoring themselves against you? Are they welcoming you when you walk in the door? Or do you feel invisible as they run on emotional autopilot?

Let’s make a list of offerings that fill our love tank. Here are some ideas that I categorized into Gary Chapman’s Love Languages. (I’m sure you can get more specific with any of these and construct a list that is tailor- made for you).

Words of Appreciation

· Hearing their words of love and admiration

· Feeling desired and being told you’re attractive

· Hearing that your partner’s life is better with you in it

· Hearing a “yes” when you’re prepared for a “no”

· Being seen and heard in a way that makes you feel understood

· Being forgiven when you know you could have done better

Acts of Service

· Having a favorite meal or dessert prepared for you

· Being relieved of your least favorite chore

· Being encouraged to ask for what you want

· Getting help with a difficult task

· Being treated to a special mystery date

Receiving Gifts

· Receiving surprise gifts for no reason

· Being whisked away on a surprise adventure

· Being treated to a favorite outing

· Having your needs anticipated before you even know what they are

Quality Time

· Going for a walk hand-in-hand or arm-in-arm

· Being listened to like you’re the most important person in the world

· Choosing a favorite activity and doing that together

· Dancing and singing together like nobody’s watching

· Being granted needed alone time for yourself to do as you wish

Physical Touch

· Enjoying an erotic adventure together

· Getting a massage just the way you like it

· Receiving your favorite sexual delights without asking

· Getting an extended hug out of the blue

· Feeling your partner’s arm around you when you need it most

· Making out like a teenager

Here’s an exercise for you and your partner to do today: Make a list of things your partner can do to fill up your love tank. Then ask your partner to make their own list. Sit down and share your lists with each other. Find out what they think would fill their love tank. You may be surprised at some of your partner’s preferences! Keep your partner’s list somewhere you can see it often (e.g., a bulletin board or the door of your fridge, or inside your bathroom cabinet). Make a regular daily deposit into their love tank with small consistent gestures. When the tank feels abundant and full, the next time they need reserves they can draw upon it for any extra patience or generosity needed in that moment. And remember to ask yourself (daily and also in every interaction), “Did I just add to my partner’s love tank? Or did I add to their pain tank?” Keep your beloved partner running on full and the road you travel together will be blessed with warm breezes, free of unwelcome detours.

I’d love to hear how this little thought experiment works for you today. Let’s start teaching our partners how to love us even better by sharing what’s on our list of love tank favorites.

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