Empathy: An Act of Generosity

Chapter 22 of The Turned-On Couple, narrated by Corinne Farago

My partner and I are about halfway through a six-week road trip from San Francisco to Vancouver Island. We’re living, working, and adventuring out of a 19x6 foot camper van we built ourselves, complete with a bed, a tiny kitchen, and just enough space to bump into each other 47 times a day.

Thanks to Starlink, we’re still connected to the internet (and the rest of the world), but staying connected to each other is the real challenge these days.

Everywhere we go, we see other couples camped out at national parks, arguing over directions, laughing over takeout, or silently eating snacks with thousand-yard stares. It makes me think: being happy together on the road takes real intention. There’s no “I need a minute” room to escape to. You’ve got to figure things out together, in tight quarters, often while hungry and trying to find the nearest bathroom.

And let’s be real: emotions can run high when you’re navigating new places, spotty GPS signals, and the occasional existential crisis mid-mountain pass. We’ve had our moments like when someone (I won’t name names) forgot to close the roof vent before a downpour, and it’s made me realize how important it is to know how to support your partner when they’re in a mood.

So, if you’re traveling, living in close quarters, or just trying to be a better listener in general, here’s some advice we’ve learned the hard way.

These three steps can help you show up for your partner when they need to vent, no tools required, except maybe deep breaths and a bit of emotional generosity.

The next time your partner is letting loose and expressing their fear of uncertainty (or frustration with family dynamics, work-related anxiety, existential angst, grief of loss, overwhelm from the “new normal,” or any other challenging emotion) say these words to yourself: “I don’t have to try to fix this right now.”

Then take a breath and plant your feet in place like a massive tree in the forest. Tell yourself you’re going to hold the space for your partner’s emotional storm to pass without reacting, defending, accusing or all the other egoic traps we fall into for fear of feeling wrong. Your job, or rather your opportunity, is to meet the moment with emotional generosity.

I’ve coached men in doing this for their female partners, but it works both ways. No one is immune to overwhelm, and we can take turns showing up for each other in ways that make space for emotions that need to come out.

If you’re a “fixer” (and most of us are) and your partner starts to unleash their emotions, you probably feel immediate stress in your body. Your mind starts to race toward possible solutions before they’ve even finished speaking.

You’re no longer really listening while your brain scans for something to say, suggest, or act upon. You want to fix their problem because you love them and because you want the storm to stop.

But here’s the thing: While you’re racking your brain with strategies and solutions to calm your partner down, you’re bypassing what they need the most right then and there, which is your attention.

So, after you remind yourself that you don’t have to fix their problem, step out of fix-it mode and turn toward them with your whole body. Listen to the words coming out of their mouth. Make eye contact and show them they have your loving attention.

This is where you become the tree that withstands the storm. You ground yourself deep into the earth and bring that strong presence to your partner.

In that moment they need nothing more than to speak those words to someone who’s letting them do just that. They need to express themselves, to move that energy out of their body, to feel what they’re feeling and be witnessed in it.

Next, show empathy for what they’re feeling.

This doesn’t mean you have to agree with their perspective if it’s not yours. You’re empathizing with their feelings, not the content of their story.

Showing empathy simply acknowledges that your partner is feeling something difficult. When we empathize with another, we attune to their experience and feelings. We’re looking inside of ourselves and connecting to that same feeling. Empathy is an active and intentional response to another person’s feelings. Teresa Wiseman, a nurse scholar who studies empathy, explains it like this:

“Empathy is perspective taking. It’s the ability to take the perspective of another person. It’s recognizing feelings in other people and then communicating that recognition back to them.”

These are great skills to bring to any relationship when emotional storms arise. Imagine what it’s like to be them in that moment. Put yourself in their place, and now respond from there. You might say something like,

“I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. That must be difficult for you. Tell me more about that.” And mean it!

Listen until they feel like they’ve said everything. If you feel more questions will help, use questions to guide them away from details and toward their feelings. “How did that make you feel in that moment?” you might ask. These are the questions that will help them connect to what’s below the surface emotions.

If you’re truly listening with interest, they’ll feel h

eard. And in the end, no matter what the problem is, we all want to feel like someone hears us and cares.

You’ll know when your partner feels heard. Their body will tell you! They’ll start to slow down, their nervous system will calm, and they’ll begin to breathe more deeply. Once they feel heard, they’ll start to drop down into the deeper, more vulnerable feelings that underlie the overwhelm. This is what you want to support. Show them that they can lean on you (literally).

At this point you can offer some physical comfort. Let them feel that you’ve got them. Touch their arm. Hold them. Cradle them. Massage their feet or shoulders. Touch calms and nurtures us. In fact, sometimes touch is all we need to begin to let go and relax.

Once you’ve helped them back to a calmer, more centered place, maybe it’s time to help them consider solutions to their problem (if they’re solvable). But unless you master the skills of helping your partner feel heard in their emotional storms first, looking to fix something is not going to help in the moment.

Because the truth is that emotional generosity isn’t about grand gestures or always knowing the right thing to say, it’s about presence. It’s about choosing connection over a need to control, and compassion over quick fixes. And let’s be honest, most of us just want to feel like someone’s with us when we’re in the thick of it, not taking over our puzzle, but just sitting beside us while the pieces are all over the floor.

On this road trip, in our van-sized pressure cooker of love and logistics, I’ve learned that supporting my partner through emotional moments is less about doing and more about being. Being grounded. Being still. Being open-hearted. It's not glamorous work, but it's what works.

Next time your partner starts to spiral or stew or sob, remember this: You don’t have to fix it. You don’t have to understand every word or emotion they throw out there. You just have to show up. Breathe. Listen. Empathize. And when the moment feels right, reach out your hand.

We take turns being the tree and being the storm. The more we practice showing up for each other this way, the more we deepen trust, and grow the love that can weather whatever is around the corner, even six weeks in a van with no escape route and one (slightly too small) shared blanket.

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