Chapter 13. Stonewalling: The Weaponizing of Silence
from The Turned-On Couple book. Narrated by Corinne Farago
Stonewalling is the third behavior in what's known as the Four Horsemen; four toxic communication habits that, according to Dr. John Gottman's research, are strong predictors of a relationship's breakdown.
Stonewalling is a form of emotional and physical withdrawal and punishment in which one relationship partner refuses to engage with the other partner in the midst of a conflict.
Stonewalling may involve a lack of response to a conversation, a refusal to discuss a point of disagreement, or an unwillingness to find resolution.
Stonewalling came up in conversation with one of my coaching couples recently. They both complained to me about a loss of emotional and physical intimacy in their relationship.
They acknowledged that most of their intimacy challenges were based on ongoing resentment and patterns of unresolved conflicts that generated bad feelings on a regular basis. Let’s refer to this couple as Eric and Shannon.
Eric grew up with family members who used anger as a way to control others. As a sensitive child, his response to a confrontational environment was to step away from the angry words by retreating into the forest behind his home. He used stonewalling to punish his family members and protect himself from feeling emotionally overwhelmed. But Eric’s childhood stonewalling strategy was literally threatening his relationship to Shannon.
Stonewalling had become his most familiar way to bypass conflict with Shannon. In his mind, he was avoiding making things worse by removing himself from the threat by retreating emotionally, sometimes for days.
To Shannon, Eric’s stonewalling was a form of punishment and the very behavior that created the most damage. In her mind it was often more damaging than the original conflict. She was hurt by Eric’s disconnection from her. She felt ignored, rejected, and invalidated, and under her anger was sadness at the fear of losing Eric.
Eric was afraid to lose Shannon as well. While he had a head-in-the-sand approach to conflict, Shannon’s strategy was to go head-to-head into battle by pushing through conflict and seeking resolution as soon as possible. Eric experienced this as confrontational, demanding and triggering.
Her discomfort with a lack of immediate resolution would end up pushing Eric into overwhelm, which led him to stonewall Shannon (in order to keep her at bay). Every conflict would engage this pattern and send both of them into a mode of self-protection and disconnection.
After some investigation, Eric and Shannon started to recognize their opposing strategies to avoid conflict and how they both contributed to triggering each other’s old fears. They learned to avoid stonewalling before it happened by using their insights to develop new communication habits.
One of those habits was acknowledging that they were both seeking the same thing, to be understood and avoid the pain of conflict.
Eric learned to recognize the early signs of his emotional overwhelm. He became aware of his breath becoming shallow, his heart starting to race, and his inability to even hear what Shannon was saying. He started to recognize the signs of moving into what he now calls his ‘survival mode’.
Now Eric calls for a time-out; not to punish Shannon but to take a much- needed break in order to calm down and process his feelings. He sees now that his angry stonewalling only heightened Shannon’s fears and insecurities, which made her push harder for a quick resolution. Now they both agree that before conflict ramps up into angry words, they will take a time-out with agreements.
If Eric needs to leave the room to calm down (rather than stomping out, slamming doors, and stonewalling Shannon for a day or two) he reassures her that he’ll be back in an agreed amount of time.
Eric’s reassurance that he’ll be back helps Shannon relax and trust that taking a time-out is not a form of punishment, but rather Eric’s self-care. She sees that taking space helps both of them clear their minds.
Whether it’s five minutes, twenty minutes, or an hour, they would agree to revisit the conversation, this time feeling less triggered and more able to hear the other’s perspective.
It’s important to recognize that our strategies during conflict have been with us since childhood. They may have made sense from a child’s perspective, but can now literally pose a threat to our relationship.
Understanding the origins of those strategies and the needs behind them helps to bring an end to tactics like stonewalling.
When a couple begins to investigate and share their childhood conflict strategies, they can begin to build new, healthy ones based on their adult needs.
Healthy relationships are not conflict-free, but they are sustained by proven methods that move a couple quickly from disconnection back to connection.
If Eric and Shannon’s story sounds familiar to you, reach out and let’s talk.