Chapter 12. Contempt: Crossing the Line into Toxic Communication
Narrated by Corinne Farago
Last week we talked about researcher John Gottman’s Four Horsemen, identifying patterns of four deadly relationship dynamics. This week we’re looking at contempt. What does contempt look like, and how do we tame that wild beast?
I remember the first time I recognized contempt in a couple early on in my coaching career. They would swing from language that was supportive and loving into nasty words and behaviors that showed utter contempt for each other.
When communication around sexual frequency broke down, leaving them stuck in a disagreement, expressions of contempt were their “go to” habit of acting out.
It was clear that the intimacy they were seeking was never going to grow until they recognized the destructive nature of contempt, and the lasting resentment it was creating.
Contempt is perhaps the most destructive of all relationship patterns.
When we treat our partners with contempt, we send a clear message that we don’t value or respect them. This can have devastating effects on the health and longevity of a relationship.
Understanding the impact of contempt on couples
Contempt can take many forms, from name-calling and insults to sarcasm and eye-rolling. It often arises when we feel angry, frustrated or disappointed with our partner. Instead of addressing the issue in a healthy and productive way, we allow our emotions to get the better of us, and we lash out.
The problem with contempt is that it creates a toxic cycle of negativity that can be very difficult to break. When we treat our partners with contempt, they’re likely to respond with defensiveness, withdrawal, or stonewalling. This, in turn, can make us even more contemptuous, and the cycle continues.
The first example of contempt with my coaching couple was eye-rolling when one of them shared their thoughts or feelings about sexual frequency. The second expression of contempt was snide under the breath, comments when one of them was talking. This clearly communicated a lack of respect for the other person’s feelings and opinions. This ongoing cycle was continuously eroded the emotional connection between them.
They both felt lonely, resentful, and disconnected. Their relationship didn’t offer them a place of retreat from the world. It had instead become a war zone that impacted their mental health. One of them struggled with ongoing anxiety, and the other was on constant high alert from the stress of conflict.
Recognizing and acknowledging contemptuous behavior
Let’s look at the way contempt shows itself in a relationship:
Eye-rolling: When one partner rolls their eyes in response to something the other partner says, it communicates a lack of respect and a dismissive attitude.
Sarcasm: Sarcasm can come across as mocking or belittling, which can be hurtful to the partner on the receiving end and damage the emotional connection on going.
Name-calling: When one partner uses derogatory names or insults in response to something the other partner says, it will erode the emotional connection between partners. Hurtful words linger for days, months, sometimes years.
Dismissive body language: When one partner crosses their arms, turns away, or makes other gestures that communicate a lack of interest or respect, it conveys a lack of empathy and understanding.
Criticism: Criticizing one’s partner in a harsh or judgmental way creates resentment and hostility. While criticism is not the same thing as contempt, it can often be a precursor to contempt in a relationship.
The couple I was coaching had become habituated to contempt because it fell within the familiar zone of their behavior patterns. It was time for them to draw a new line in the sand that they would not cross, no matter how heated emotions got.
They started to recognize the destructive nature of contempt and made a commitment to treat each other with respect and kindness, even when they were angry.
They had to step back from what was familiar and learn healthier ways to express their emotions, like using “I” statements and active listening. Most importantly, they stepped out of mutual blame and came together as a team in order to bypass contempt and address the underlying issues behind an argument.
They made the very important decision to seek outside help to do that, and in our work together, they began to finally feel safe enough with each other for intimacy to begin to grow again.
Breaking the habit of contempt can be challenging, but, with commitment and effort from both partners, it’s possible.
Here are some strategies that couples can use to break the cycle of contempt in their relationship:
Recognize and acknowledge the problem. The first step in addressing contempt is to name it and acknowledge that it’s a problem in the relationship. Both partners should be willing to take responsibility for their part in the dynamic and commit to working on the issue.
Practice active listening. Active listening is a technique where you listen to your partner’s perspective without judgment or interruption. It’s a powerful way to show understanding and break the cycle of contemptuous and painful communication.
Replace negative behaviors with positive ones. Instead of rolling your eyes or making a sarcastic comment, try to show empathy for your partner’s point of view (even if it’s not your own). This can start to build a more positive and supportive dynamic in the relationship.
Practice gratitude. When making a request, develop the habit of expressing gratitude for the things that your partner does well or that you appreciate about them. Start with a gratitude statement followed by the request. This shifts the focus away from negative behaviors and builds a more positive emotional connection.
Seek professional help. A coach can help both partners identify the underlying issues when contemptuous behavior comes up as well as provide tools to lead a couple toward healthy communication skills.
Breaking the habit of contempt can be challenging, but is absolutely possible. In a world so desperately in need of loving kindness, our contribution to a better world begins in your home.
Do you recognize contempt as part of your relationship dynamic? In what ways does it show up? Share in comments, or message me privately. I’d love to hear what your experience is with all of the Four Horsemen.
Next week we’ll look at the third of the Four Horsemen, Stonewalling.
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such great insight! thank you Corinne
Love John Gottman!