Chapter 10. The Turned-On Couple: The Four Levels of Conversation in Every Relationship
From the Mundane to the Profound (narrated by Corinne Farago)
Conversations in a couple’s life together range from the mundane to the profound. One moment we need to talk about what’s for dinner or who’s taking the kids to school; the next we might feel the urge to share our deepest fears and longings. There’s a time and place for all of it.
Wouldn’t it be exhausting if every conversation with our partner was about processing feelings and deeply probing our emotions? It would be equally unsatisfying for every conversation to skim the surface of life, focusing only on practicalities and tasks. The ability to identify different levels of conversation can help couples communicate more effectively.
You can become more intentional about what level of conversation is needed in the moment and how to respond to it. This can help you communicate more clearly, set expectations for that conversation, and avoid misunderstandings (which can lead to conflict).
Labeling levels of conversation can provide an easy way for you to communicate your intentions when communicating with your partner. You can use the short forms Level 1, 2, 3, and 4.
Let’s look at the differences in these levels of conversation and how they can help you and your partner identify each other’s expectations and needs when initiating a talk.
Level 1 Conversations: Small Talk and Its Role in Daily Life:
This is the most superficial level of conversation, where couples engage in light and easy conversation about everyday topics such as the weather, current events, or work and family schedules. Many of us fill our days with Level 1 conversations. We need them to handle daily life and coordinate with our partner. Usually, our engagement in these conversations leans toward rational and observational. They’re generally emotionally neutral and goal oriented.
Example: “Sweetheart, after you pick the kids up from practice, can you pick up some paper towels on the way home? We’re almost out. Is there anything else we’re needing?”
Level 2: Opinions and How They Deepen Emotional Connection:
At this level, we share more personal information and opinions about topics such as our hobbies, interests, and beliefs. We may also discuss current issues that are important to us or debate different perspectives on various topics. Level 2 conversations can deepen emotional connection. They usually involve more personal topics where partners reveal themselves to each other.
We come to understand our partner’s feelings and learn more about things that matter to them. We learn about their background such as family memories, fun activities, past challenges, and experiences that contributed to who they are today.
By moving beyond superficial small talk and sharing more personal aspects of ourselves, couples can share their experiences and develop a deeper emotional connection. Level 2 conversations help build trust and strengthen the bond between partners.
Example: “I enjoyed helping the kids build that model plane last night. I’d forgotten how much I appreciated the times my dad did that with me. We once assembled a World War Two fighter plane that actually flew!”
Level 3: Dreams and Aspirations for a Stronger Bond:
Level 3 conversations are defined by a deeper emotional revelation, often including unedited sharing based on trust, safety, and vulnerability. In the more profound levels of conversation, couples share their ultimate goals and aspirations for their life together. Here we talk about feelings, what’s important to us, what excites us and why; we openly share our fears, disappointments, and insecurities.
Example: “I’ve never told anyone this before but…”
or “What I really want you to know about me is…”
These conversations can include subjects likes, beliefs, values, faith, and shared dreams. They create a strong sense of unity and support in the relationship, as well as build a shared sense of meaning and purpose. By discussing our dreams and our doubts we learn to be more honest about who we are and trust that our partner has our back, no matter what.
Level 4: Being Here Now, with Presence
Level 4 conversation requires us to be even more open and transparent. It’s less about conceptualizing, explaining, or dreaming. Level 4 is about presence. It’s about noticing and being with what’s happening in the moment we’re together.
Example: “Right now I feel peaceful/ excited/nervous/relieved.”
“I’m feeling grateful for…”
“I’m scared to say this, but… when you expressed your desire just now, I felt insecure about…”
We want to trust that whatever we express will be met with compassion and understanding. When we share our present-time thoughts and feelings, we’re letting our partner into our inner world in that moment.
In a relaxed and trusting state, partners can flow with what’s presently arising and follow that, wherever it leads.
Level 4 makes room for moments of silence beyond words. It allows our partner to see us as we are, for who we are, with all our imperfections and emotional complexity. There’s trust that whatever arises in the present moment is welcome and accepted.
Every level of conversation has its time and place. If we’re always in Level 3, talking about feelings, we can become weighed down with the emotional processing that deep sharing requires. If we’re always in Level 1 conversations, we can slip into autopilot, talking about tasks, kids, work, news, and so on. We end up feeling drained by superficiality and unfulfilled in our desire to be seen and felt on a deeper level.
Identify what level of conversation is best suited for the moment. Use your words to handle the practicalities of life and look for the opportunities to engage in conversations that nurture connection and reveal more of who you are.
Also, learn to step out of your conversational comfort zone. If you avoid some levels of conversation, ask yourself why? Why does it feel risky? What are your fears? What patterns of conversation have you and your partner fallen into? Do you assume there’s nothing new to learn about your partner? Have you lost the trust you need in order to go deeper?
If you grew up in a family that avoided deep conversations, you might find yourself always gravitating to Level 1. If you were taught that being vulnerable and sharing your emotions is a sign of weakness, you may even fear ridicule or judgment if you open up to your partner. Stay with it.
When it comes to learning how to effectively communicate and deepen your connection with another human being, your relationship is your greatest teacher.
If you feel emotionally disconnected from your partner and you want to initiate levels 3 or 4, set aside time for those conversations.
Ask questions that show interest in your partner’s thoughts and experiences.
Gently lead them with questions that will open them to sharing what’s meaningful to them.
Stay clear of judgments or telling them what to feel.
Give them time to express themselves fully without trying to fix their problem for them.
Communication strategies for couples
Here are some prompts you can use when exploring these deeper conversations:
“How are you feeling?”
“What do you need right now in order to relax?”
“Are there parts of yourself that are in conflict right now?”
“What’s on your mind these days, what’s on the table?”
“What are you looking forward to?”
“Tell me the story about…”
“Talk to me, I’m listening.”
“Tell me more about that.”
“Tell me how you feel about…”
Learn to express tolerance, empathy, and understanding:
“I can see how you would feel that way.”
“That must be hard.”
“I admire your position on that.”
“Let me repeat what I heard you say just now, so I understand.”
Get curious! Remember what it was like when you were first becoming acquainted with your partner. There are many things you have yet to discover if you know how to engage your curiosity. Your partner is always changing and growing. Stay current with who they are today.
From the mundane to the profound, couples need to navigate through a multitude of conversations. By understanding the four levels of conversations, we get clear on the purpose and intention behind our words. By sharing this common description of conversational levels, couples can set expectations for a conversation, identify the source of conversational frustrations, and express their need for deeper sharing.
See you in Chapter 11. It’s You, Not Me!: How to Identify and Avoid Criticism in Relationships.
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